22 July - Rehab week 2

I have set myself back 1-2 weeks by my estimation. Which means square 1 essentially. Rehab can be a real bitch. But I'm not giving up because I want - *need*- to be able to move like i used to. The possibility that I will be a lesser athlete is not something I am willing to entertain. I simply refuse to believe it.

I find that most times when I turn to blog is when I'm the most troubled. Or when I'm bereft of ideas. I look to this blog for inspiration and a spark of inventiveness. Something to flare up in my mind that helps me think clearly. Something that calms me down. The stock standard line is that blogging is therapeutic. But the truth is, its something more. Its something to cling on to when all else seems false.

Its a reality that I create, or a place where I can bandy about my musings without fear of reprisal. Really its almost like religion - without meaning to sound blasphemous. I guess thats why some people keep journals or write down their thoughts. Its a comforting procedure, to see your own thoughts in writing. I guess it lets you know that you're in control of some things at least.

These days I get up and cook mostly. Fortunately I haven't been caught up by the masterchef bug. Wayyy too much emotion involved in it. You cook a bad dish, you man up and get sent home. Thats just the way it works. Standing there and crying though seems to be the modus operandi for a precious few. It seems to work though, most of the criers end up staying on - maybe I should cry if I want something...oh wait, already tried that - a quick thrashing from dad sorted that out rather quickly. Either way, its not a good habit to get into.

I've watched movies about relationships between parents and their children. How they become so estranged. And when I was youger I used to think that they were hammed up. Intentionally melodramatised for the audiences benefit. What I find now however, is that alot of the emotion is actually quite real. Most estranged children actually react to their parents like that and vice versa. I used to think it was a satirical representation of how children and parents overreact to one another, but when I think about it - thats essentially what an estrangement is. Its when a parent and child overreact negatively to everything each other do or say.

Sometimes I see myself in those recalcitrant children. I wonder how I find it in myself to put my parents through such pain. Its an eternal conundrum how one can be so hateful and yet at the same time love the same people more than anyone else in the world. Beats me how those conflicting emotions can originate from the same source. The funny thing is I think I'm in trouble once I get kids. Karma has a funny way of biting you in the arse.

Eithe way, its getting late. I have to get to bed. I need dreams. Everyone does. Tommorow is another day. That and I've got to pay my water bill or risk going winter with a frozen pair. Goodnight.

*R.I.P: Hadri Aidnil. The good die young, and you were one of the best. It was an honour to know you. God Bless.