Open Apology...a lil long, but do read

This isn't easy...but here we go. I'm not the greatest bloke in the world. Far from it...I'm about as flawed as they come. Most people know me as a noisy, slightly (or very) cocky, brash, arrogant individual. I'm extreme, in everything I do, love, life, work, play...its all or nothing. Most of the time, depending on the situation and crowd I meet people in, certain people see very different facets of my personality. I believe every person has a role to play. Every group needs a certain type of character. It just happens to be that most of the time, I'm happy to bring out my gregarious personality and make some noise. I'm sure we could all sit there quietly drinking teh 'o ais limau but somehow I feel people are slightly more comfortable and bond better over a slight bit of rowdiness. I don't mind being the one having to generate that noise, because I know how to. I don't have to...but why not...someone's gotta break the ice.

I'm well aware I have rubbed many people up the wrong way in the past. Thats probably due to a propensity to speak before I think it through, or without regard for the consequence. Back when I was younger, I was much much worse. Nowadays, I only kick up a ruckus with my close friends...because thats who they know me as...and thats who I'm happy to play around them. And they're fine with that. So once in awhile, crazy me gets to come out and play. Through time I've learnt that not every party needs to be livened up and that not everyone wants a rowdy time...probably because I've mellowed down alot (on the inside).

The reason I am writing this, is because there will be some, even among my close friends who I have unwittingly (on occasion) offended because of this propensity of mine...know that if you are my friend, you are my friend for life. I make no exceptions...and I will fight tooth and nail for you if you ever need me to.

Theres this overused cliche Marilyn Monroe quote that goes, "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Which I believe is very very true. Which is why I act how I do, because I feel if you put your best foot forward, sometimes people seek to take advantage of you and can be insincere. Sure...thats a cynical way of thinking, but its a route that I believe will find you some true friends. Can you imagine...you have friends...and then one day, when you're faced with trouble (and nothing brings the worst out in you that a sticky situation) they see the other facet of your personality which they can't stand...and everyone decides to bail. Being alone...especially when you need your friends the most is a very very painful thing.

If the people I hang out with, can see past the brash, oft arrogant exterior and accept the negative facets of my personality, then I will do everything I can for them, because they were willing to stick through me at my worst. That way, when you have to fall back on someone, you know at least that you can rely on those friends, for they are true. Because true friends, while they may judge or disagree, accept your flaws...aren't afraid to tell you they exist...and yet are willing to wait while you fix them as you see fit.

My ex-girlfriend and a couple of other girls I've dated in the past (even my family), have always asked me...why am I one person around them...and yet another around others. No, I'm not schizophrenic...I'm just a very very private person and I choose who I want to share my real self (and life) with. Personally, in life you can't always be nice. If you're too nice, people walk all over you. The world is a cruel, material world and everyone looks out for themselves, whether they care to admit it or not. And if you will, keeping people at bay while you learn about them, is very selfish. Yes...true. But if you pick and choose your friends carefully, you will never be taken advantage of, and it saves you the heartache and betrayal. Nothing hurts more than a friend who has betrayed your trust. I'm happy to be taken advantage of by the woman I love (or want to love) - in fact thats the whole point ;) - so I consciously let my guard down. Some people have an aloof, silent guard. I have a cocky, brash, arrogant guard. All in all I feel the latter is harder to get along with, so thats why I use it. I may have chased away some people in the past...which I may have regretted. But its better in the long run. Only family loves you unconditionally hence no need for the guard.

My dad is exactly like I am...many dislike him. But those few he is friends with know he would walk on coals for them. I want to be like that, to have a tight knit group of friends...but yet, I see that I can't keep offending the world because its a small small place, and while I may not care too much what people think of me, it hurts those around me, and makes life difficult for them...noone wants to hear bad things said about the ones they love. I hate it when ppl talk shit about my old man...he doesn't care, but I do. When I die, I wish for my close friends and family to be there...knowing I loved them. And I suppose I'd rather that people said "He was a great guy" than "He was an asshole" and having my friends defend me or not.

Therefore, to those I have offended over the years. I'm sorry. Its a choice I chose to make, and one I'm comfortable with. Not everyone can deal with the brash persona. It may have been unintentional, it may have been a subconscious effort to see who would stick around. In any case, I've lost some friends I would have liked to keep...and I see that sometimes, my solution isn't always the right one. I'm too proud for my own good. I'm still trying to find a balance. But better late than never, and I'm young enough to mend some bridges. And I hope you find it somewhere within you to forgive me...if you don't...well...I can't do much. But I truly apologize. While many of you may not read this, I hope to mend some burnt bridges, and for those who do truly care for me...to know me better.


Yours truly,
Julian Lam

Eight

For some reason, eight seems to have some sort of special value in the world around us (particularly to us asian people) That and if you ask me theres something aesthetically pleasing about the number 8 la...At any rate, heres something interesting to do...Helps you learn more about urself i guess.

8 Things I'm Passionate About

• Most sports with a bias towards Football, Rugby, Athletics and Boxing.
  
• Music in general once again with a large bias towards acoustics and jazz. And I love live sets...seeing a skilled musician at work is pretty amazing
  
• Culture. Learning about other people and their beliefs, history and traditions is something I enjoy greatly.
  
• Travel - I love traveling...suppose that goes hand in hand with culture. Europe, Asia, The Americas. I'll conquer them all sometime soon.
  
• Reading - Nothing like a good book to calm you down and kill time in general. Cheaper than a sleeping pill as well.
  
• Food! Now heres one I *love*. Searching for good food. Cooking good food. And eating good food. I am a massive foodie...bribe me with a bowl of great pasta or noodles or something spectacular and I'll do your bidding. God I can be such a whore sometimes. Except for food - not money
  
• Money. Earning it. Saving it. Spending it. Whether it be stretching my last dollar...getting the most value out of my dollar or finding new ways to make money. Nothing pleases me more than a great deal out of money.
  
• Movies. I love a great movie. Whether at the cinema's or just at home with a DVD...I'm a sucker for a good movie...no biasness here...I'll watch anything as long as its good. (Some chickflicks exempted though) And the company helps.
  

8 Things I Say Too Often

• fuck, bastard, etc etc(I know, I know - trying to quit la)
• Standard
  
• very goooosssssssss
  
• very out la
  
• dei
• sooo jatuh
  
• whats that? (not blurr...curious. =p)
  

8 Books I've Read Recently

• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence people - Dale Carnegie (under my grandfathers instruction)
  
• 50 speeches that changed the world - compiled by Simon Montefiore
  
• Salimar the Clown - Salman Rushdie
  
• Blessed: The Autobiography of George Best - George Best
  
• Shibumi - Trevanian
• Go Rin No Sho (the Book of five Rings) - Miyamoto Musashi
• Soul Mountain - Gao Xingjian
  

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over Again

• John Mayer - Free Falling
  
• John Legend - Save Room
  
• John Legend - PDA
• Anything by Oscar Peterson, Miles Davis...actually anything jazz
  
• Michael Buble - Everything
• Foo Fighters - DOA
  
• Its too hard to think of 8...I've got this really addictive personality - once I like something I can listen to it all day long for weeks on end without feeling sick of it. (Until I do la..then I won't listen to it for a loonggg time)
  

8 Things I've Learnt in the Past Year

• Despite your best plans, things don't always work out the way you want them to.
  
• Despite that, you should still keep planning and never give up because commitment is fulfillment (at least in certain aspects la) Living a completely open ended life is slightly too directionless. Fill your days with things to do and a rich, fulfilling life will follow suit.
  
• People act differently in private and in public...so its never right to judge based on first appearances (particularly if its a negative one). Get to know the person - you might find a pleasant friend. Plus its better to have one more friend than one more enemy
• Time is of the essence.
  
• You can't win all the time. Its sometimes better to let things you can accept slide.
  
• Argue and speak less. Listen more. You'll be surprised at what you learn.
  
• Consistent effort and sacrifice with a splash of devil may care recklessness is the best balanced approach to anything.
  
• Thinking about things before deciding on a course of action. And never do anything in anger.
  

Memories

Sometimes we're wracked with memories. I know I constantly am. From fond ones to ones I loathe. And somehow they illicit really strong emotions in me, ranging from euphoria to loathing, but always with a strong sense of nostalgia. One thing which pops up (but no longer) is regret. Is regret worth it? Is thinking about the past and regretting about to change anything? I used to be consumed by my regret. Consumed by things which were no longer under my control...and once I learnt to let go...life became much more bearable.

Once upon a time...when I was a much younger more naive boy, que sera sera was my watchword. But no longer. While whatever will be, will be...I'm convinced that it will be me who determines how my life pans out. And commitment brings fulfillment. Not that I'm much for settling down, lol, but being committed to my goals...and dreams and hopes and having a plan while working towards it I've discovered is so satisfying. Personally, its finding that elusive balance of living in the now while working towards my ambitions which is so important. A boy with direction and ambition is a boy no longer, but a true man in every sense.

Which finally brings me to...relationships. Do I believe in them? Of course I do. Now ladies, (if any of you still read this abandoned journal) I ask myself constantly...is there a *rational* reason anyone actually jumps into a relationship at all? If anyone has an answer fire away, because I can't justify it to myself in any logical way. Having jumped headfirst into various forms of relationships over the last 2 years, from dating to friendship with benefits, to an actual relationship, to casuals...I can safely say...at this age (20-ish) and time...noone knows what they actually want. While you can plan ur life out, human relationships have infinitely more permutations and are so much more complex...sometimes you just can't explain things and have to go with the flow to see how things work out. Girls have this amazingly annoying habit of mapping out *exactly* what they want in a guy. And then halfway through a decent relationship with a bloke decides that because he doesn't fulfill as many criterion as needed it won't work. (nono...not being bitter/cynical stop reading so much into that sentence)

Its just my opinion, but thats not the way a relationship works. Its built on respect, a deep-lying friendship and care for one another. Let me say first and foremost, that there is no such thing as true love without friendship, and no such thing as friendship without love. You can't befriend someone who you don't love as a friend. Love comes in many different shapes and on so many varying levels. However, you cannot possibly hope to have a functional relationship with someone you don't see as a friend. I always feel its always more logical to be friends before anything else...because once you say the magic words "I like/love you" everyone automatically places alot more expectation on the each other, becomes less tolerant and more edgy. Not everyone can be laid back and a steady balanced entry is alot more enviable than a whirlwind. (not asking you to be boring as batshit though, dont get me wrong.)

So very often you hear comments from guys like, "If u *really* like a girl, don't take a wrong turn into the 'friend zone' *dum dum dummmmmm*". In my personal opinion, thats bullshit...friends can always get hitched, and only the most idealistic situations are those where the chemistry is of such a level that you naturally like the person alot and sorta bypass the whole friend stage. There are two ways this can work out (in my opinion la...don't start crucifying me all if i'm wrong...=p)

Its said that if you go into a relationship, be prepared to never be "just friends" ever again with the girl. On some levels thats true...If 2 ppl with amazing chemistry (friends or otherwise) sorta plunge right in...and can't stand the others idiosyncracies, then hailat.com.my la...nothing much to talk about...u actually won't ever be "just friends". Breaking up is hard to do (trust me I know) But I'm of the opinion that if you're both mature about the breakup, there isn't really a reason why a basic friendship can't continue. (not that it always happens though)

I'm both happy yet sad to say I've experienced some form of love. Will I ever again? Couldn't tell you...but what I can say with certainty is that love actually is everything that its cut out to be. Its actually worth fighting for, being brave for. Its a huge risk, but its worth risking everything for. Because there is *nothing* better than looking into someones eyes...and not fearing...not worrying. Knowing that there is something special about this person to you. For me, it was about wanting to better myself to grow with her. Because she was always on the move in every aspect...and growing together is the only way forward. Its scary...it wasn't one of those whirlwind infatuations where you stupidly do something for her and regret it later. It was cold logical rational...knowing without a sliver of doubt that because I cared for her so much I would've walked through fire. Emotions that powerful scare me. And yet...at the same time are so fulfilling I'm not sure whether I'd do it again...only time will tell.

Theres no point going out and test driving every "model" you think will be a good option. Pick your relationships carefully. First get to know the person well...and if you accept their faults, inadequacies and idiosyncracies...go for it.

You can't expect ur better half to be perfect. There are things that if you can accept, you should...because inevitably you will fight through the rest and accepting certain things just makes it a smoother ride. If forever doesn't happen... have a good cry, move on and cherish the memories, because they are the most beautiful possessions one can take away from any relationship. And if forever DOES (somehow) happen...then cherish it like ur most treasured possession. Because forever hardly happens. And when it does, grasp it with both hands, tightly, and never let go...

"Find someone to love...and when you do, live everyday as though it were your last."-Alfie

In Vino Veritas

In wine, the truth. Drunk, people tend to be more honest about everything, their emotions, their thoughts. Inhibitions are loosened and the more relaxed side is brought to the fore. Unfortunately sometimes rash decisions are made which one may regret at some point. Life is complicated huh?

I've always wanted to come back to KL once I was done studying. But with all this politicking going on...I'm not quite so sure its the right thing to do...Home is still home...and I love it dearly. But without a doubt there is trouble brewing, and as the seeds of political unrest begin to flower, the socio-economic impacts it has is undeniable and may make life untenable. I suppose all one can do is wait with patience...and hope.

I read quite an interesting piece just today on saving. Economically, the theory is borrow when times are bad, and save when times are good. Countries like Australia and the UK are pretty much run on debt - hence the credit crunch which is causing a world of pain for everyone. Which brings me to my point. Credit borrowing of any kind is always detrimental in my opinion. It leads us to extend ourselves beyond what we are capable of. Hedonic adaptation is something which we youth succumb to more often than we should. The idea that consuming more makes us happy is a short term view which - while temporarily satisfactory - is financial foolishness. But sometimes I ask myself...what happens if I save as much money as I can, but the rising cost of inflation reduces the value of my money? Would I then have gotten less out of it than I should have? Should I then spend as opposed to save? Upon further reflection, my conclusion is that it totally depends on what we spend on. Hence prudent investment in stable stocks, in line with a good reading of the direction of the market and the patterns its taking is worthwhile spending for. That snazzy car or flashy shirt will wait. Market opportunities are few and far between.
And considering there are many companies which are currently undervalued it seems to me as good an opportunity as any to enter the market. So get saving.