Memories

Sometimes we're wracked with memories. I know I constantly am. From fond ones to ones I loathe. And somehow they illicit really strong emotions in me, ranging from euphoria to loathing, but always with a strong sense of nostalgia. One thing which pops up (but no longer) is regret. Is regret worth it? Is thinking about the past and regretting about to change anything? I used to be consumed by my regret. Consumed by things which were no longer under my control...and once I learnt to let go...life became much more bearable.

Once upon a time...when I was a much younger more naive boy, que sera sera was my watchword. But no longer. While whatever will be, will be...I'm convinced that it will be me who determines how my life pans out. And commitment brings fulfillment. Not that I'm much for settling down, lol, but being committed to my goals...and dreams and hopes and having a plan while working towards it I've discovered is so satisfying. Personally, its finding that elusive balance of living in the now while working towards my ambitions which is so important. A boy with direction and ambition is a boy no longer, but a true man in every sense.

Which finally brings me to...relationships. Do I believe in them? Of course I do. Now ladies, (if any of you still read this abandoned journal) I ask myself constantly...is there a *rational* reason anyone actually jumps into a relationship at all? If anyone has an answer fire away, because I can't justify it to myself in any logical way. Having jumped headfirst into various forms of relationships over the last 2 years, from dating to friendship with benefits, to an actual relationship, to casuals...I can safely say...at this age (20-ish) and time...noone knows what they actually want. While you can plan ur life out, human relationships have infinitely more permutations and are so much more complex...sometimes you just can't explain things and have to go with the flow to see how things work out. Girls have this amazingly annoying habit of mapping out *exactly* what they want in a guy. And then halfway through a decent relationship with a bloke decides that because he doesn't fulfill as many criterion as needed it won't work. (nono...not being bitter/cynical stop reading so much into that sentence)

Its just my opinion, but thats not the way a relationship works. Its built on respect, a deep-lying friendship and care for one another. Let me say first and foremost, that there is no such thing as true love without friendship, and no such thing as friendship without love. You can't befriend someone who you don't love as a friend. Love comes in many different shapes and on so many varying levels. However, you cannot possibly hope to have a functional relationship with someone you don't see as a friend. I always feel its always more logical to be friends before anything else...because once you say the magic words "I like/love you" everyone automatically places alot more expectation on the each other, becomes less tolerant and more edgy. Not everyone can be laid back and a steady balanced entry is alot more enviable than a whirlwind. (not asking you to be boring as batshit though, dont get me wrong.)

So very often you hear comments from guys like, "If u *really* like a girl, don't take a wrong turn into the 'friend zone' *dum dum dummmmmm*". In my personal opinion, thats bullshit...friends can always get hitched, and only the most idealistic situations are those where the chemistry is of such a level that you naturally like the person alot and sorta bypass the whole friend stage. There are two ways this can work out (in my opinion la...don't start crucifying me all if i'm wrong...=p)

Its said that if you go into a relationship, be prepared to never be "just friends" ever again with the girl. On some levels thats true...If 2 ppl with amazing chemistry (friends or otherwise) sorta plunge right in...and can't stand the others idiosyncracies, then hailat.com.my la...nothing much to talk about...u actually won't ever be "just friends". Breaking up is hard to do (trust me I know) But I'm of the opinion that if you're both mature about the breakup, there isn't really a reason why a basic friendship can't continue. (not that it always happens though)

I'm both happy yet sad to say I've experienced some form of love. Will I ever again? Couldn't tell you...but what I can say with certainty is that love actually is everything that its cut out to be. Its actually worth fighting for, being brave for. Its a huge risk, but its worth risking everything for. Because there is *nothing* better than looking into someones eyes...and not fearing...not worrying. Knowing that there is something special about this person to you. For me, it was about wanting to better myself to grow with her. Because she was always on the move in every aspect...and growing together is the only way forward. Its scary...it wasn't one of those whirlwind infatuations where you stupidly do something for her and regret it later. It was cold logical rational...knowing without a sliver of doubt that because I cared for her so much I would've walked through fire. Emotions that powerful scare me. And yet...at the same time are so fulfilling I'm not sure whether I'd do it again...only time will tell.

Theres no point going out and test driving every "model" you think will be a good option. Pick your relationships carefully. First get to know the person well...and if you accept their faults, inadequacies and idiosyncracies...go for it.

You can't expect ur better half to be perfect. There are things that if you can accept, you should...because inevitably you will fight through the rest and accepting certain things just makes it a smoother ride. If forever doesn't happen... have a good cry, move on and cherish the memories, because they are the most beautiful possessions one can take away from any relationship. And if forever DOES (somehow) happen...then cherish it like ur most treasured possession. Because forever hardly happens. And when it does, grasp it with both hands, tightly, and never let go...

"Find someone to love...and when you do, live everyday as though it were your last."-Alfie