May perpetual light shine upon you ah ma...

Its been nearly 2 months since my last post....Awhile ago i wrote my tributes. Today, I add one more to the list. Anne Yeow Tar Ngim, my grandmother passed away on thursday evening, the 26th of October...and I wasn't there to say goodbye to her.

I'll miss her so much...I keep praying that somehow when i go back home, i'll walk into the old house, through the kitchen door, and i'll see her standing over the wok as usual, cooking...amazing smells permeating the air making my stomach rumble. And i'll hop over to her as i always do, and she'll ask me to taste her food...smacking me when i take too much and calling me a greedy pig with a twinkle in her eye.

I remember the days when i used to run around the house naked as a little kid, and you'd chase me all over the place. Only you had the patience (that and a rotan) to deal with me. I remember sitting in your kitchen where you'd feed me porridge with bovril and tell me stories about Orca the killer whale...just to get me to eat. I'll always remember Chinese New Year and the days leading up to it, where the family would sit around and chop vegetables for "jiu hu cha" and "chai choi". I'll never forget rolling "tong yuen" with you and you making your nyonya desserts.

Theres so much i wish i could tell you.You gave me my love of food. Taught me undying love and loyalty to ur family members. Showed me how young children should be loved and cared for. Displayed the strength and tenacity of a housewife who had to look after 8 children and how to hold a family together. The one thing i'm happy about is i never failed to let u know how much i loved you. And i'll say it again...i love you so much. Above and beyond any person on the planet, (apart from family) and i will miss you ever so much...I'll miss your wrinkly frown, and your kind smile...the way you cook me all my favourite curries...there'll never ever be another cook or person like you.

Theres so much about the world that reminds me about you. On thursday, my heart bled so deeply i didn't think i'd ever wake up in the morning. Food for me has lost all its taste...everytime i see curries, tears well up in my eyes...every bite i take seems bland and flavourless and every mouthful of food just reminds me of you. And i can't stop the tears from flowing...every single time. When i heard the news, i didn't want it to be so...but deep down i knew it was true, and a part of me died that day.

Theres so much more i could say...but i can't...because just thinking about it makes my throat tighten up. I keep wishing i'd wake up and someone would tell me its just a dream...but i know its not...and i know i'll never see you again, till the day comes when i leave this world for a better place. You gave me so much...not in terms of education, or anything material, but you gave me your love...you weren't educated, so u showered me with love one of the few ways you knew how, through the wonderful things that came out of the kitchen and the unspoken words that your eyes would speak everytime you dished out a meal as you watched us grow up from tiny tots to the big buffaloes we are now. I'll miss giving you a hug and a kiss as in walk through the front door...and you grabbing my cheeks and scolding me for giving mum a tough time. U "refusing" to cook anymore for me...and calling up later that evening to ask me to pick up prawn curry...

They bury you tommorow...and i wish i could see your face at least one last time...but i can't go home just yet. So i'll say a prayer for you, and i pray you will be well. Say hello to Jason when you get up there yea...=) Take Care, I love you ah ma...so much.