What is love?

I've been wondering...just exactly what is love? And how do you love? You can’t force (or torture) someone into loving you....you just gotta put yourself out there. Take the risk...bare your soul and lay your feelings on a platter in the open. And hope...just hope they love you back. It isn’t a game, or a contest...It’s just an indelible part of life that nobody understands...or should understand. And that’s what makes love everything its cut out to be. Because if everyone understood love, it’d just become another game...another autonomous construct in a boring life. It’s because love is so unpredictable that everyone who experiences it is changed forever. It’s because emotions are involved that everything changes. Nobody acts rationally when under the influence of strong emotions...which is why sometimes the most irrational action can induce the desired response. A guy climbing on a stand proclaiming his love for the world to see (irrational) and the girl says, “yes” which may or may not be the rational thing to do...but the bottomline is that without a doubt, love makes us do stupid things....

When you love someone, truly love someone...there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them...no mountain you wouldn’t climb, no river you wouldn’t pass, just to be with her...see her face, watch her gaze, feel her smile and the butterflies in your belly...if only for the briefest of moments...which make them all the more sweeter. Love is like...a feeling so indescribable...like...sometimes, when the person you love walks into the room, your heart stops beating...your breath hangs...and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up...its like time stands still for you. And then in an instant everything goes back to normal and your heart races to catch up. It’s as if that someone has the power to stop your heart...and then bring you back to life...without knowing they’re even doing it...that’s love. Its knowing that he/she will be there for you...to stretch out a hand when you need it, offer a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear to listen, and give a heart wholly and truly without agenda. That’s Love. A complete trust in someone, knowing that they’ll always be there for you.

Sometimes you wonder, when you open up to someone that much, what happens if they don’t reciprocate...and as in many cases hurt you? Well...I don’t have an answer to that. I do know however, that there’s no point in doing anything by halves...if you go into anything half-heartedly, or with reservations, or with the expectation that it may fail...in all probability it will. Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. Fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find that someone? Forget your head (for the moment) and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try...Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Love is as love does, when you love someone, you just know it. I’m not saying that I go into a relationship thinking it’ll last forever...because I’m not. I go in living the present...que sera sera...living it to the fullest and if forever *does* happen...then I’ll happily grasp it with both hands and never let go. But it’s not just all those things...it’s also a responsibility. Taking the weight of your choices and feelings...and spending the rest of your time together living up to them. And most importantly, not hurting the object of your love. And all that...to me...is love.

On This Day

23rd of August...to some, just another date on the calender...to me, the birthday of my little brother. The little rat who has hung around nipping at my heels for as long as i can remember =p but is now starting to run side by side with me...He's an unbelievable enigma...When we're together we bring the house down..cracking lame jokes and playing games like "one two jus" to see who gets the last piece of chicken on the plate. We have all the fun in the world chilling together...but it wasn't all just fun and games...

Being the eldest, i resented it when jon came along and noone cared about me anymore, cuz everyone wasmore worried about the baby. (It was a natural reaction...jealous marr...) So for the first few years of our lives, it was torrid. We'd fight about everything...from who got to watch TV...to who got to play with what toy first, and i'm ashamed to say i was a horrible elder brother. I'd pinch him and hit him...and he'd give as good as he got, biting and scratching...it was a warfield out there...But, I always knew he loved me...but why...that was the question, cuz i certainly didn't treat him well....

Then, when i was 12, and he was 8, ...It was a wednesday, and i stayed back in school for co-curricular activities and he'd just come around to sit with me, and i'd shooed him off to go makan. It started raining really heavily though...cats and dogs...and in a few minutes, the canteen was flooded, being on a lower level than the whole school. I was sitting in the foyer just in front of the steps leading up the canteen but hadn't seen any sign of the little one yet. So i waited, and as more kids got ushered up, i couldn't see my brother anywhere... I sighed irritatedly and clambered down the bench and proceeded to go look for him. The water wasn't all that high...up to about my knees...and when i walked into the canteen, socks soaking, i saw jon sitting on a table crying...he was sobbing away...and when he saw me he just held out his arms and said, "kor..korrrr..." so i trudged over, and he was sobbing so hard he couldn't even talk....I piggybacked him outta there, and the whole time he was just saying "korr" repeatedly.... That sorta struck home a chord with me, that no matter how much we fought and argued...we were brothers, and he needed me to be there for him. So when we got up to dry ground, we sat on a bench and he wouldn't let go...he hung on like a little koala bear...and that was when i realised that i had a huge responsibility as an elder brother to look out for the little one.

From then on its progressed to the point where i'm overprotective of the little tyke...the one time he went missing in a hotel I nearly broke down when i couldn't find him...Turns out he just conned the sweet shop lady into giving him freebies...=$ Behind that very blase attitude is a fiery temper and a dogmatic nature that often gets him into trouble. But he's got a heart of gold. And theres nothing we wouldn't do for one another. The times he's come home and said..."nah kor...for you." And he'd hand me a packet of sherberts...this coming from a kid who only got a dollar a day, 20 cents was a fair bit. So he's sacrificed what he could for me...and i'm appreciative, if only in the last few years or so...

I left for australia 3 years ago...and now, you're 15...time sure does fly...and you've grown so much...from asking me about what the best sweets to eat were...to which mamak has the best roti...where to catch spiders....to football and the endless mystery which is woman. We've grown off each other, you with your hypersomnia, and me with my constant chirping. My angry defiance and ur more tactful refusal to budge. We make things work you and i...u cover for me when i come home late...and leave the door unlocked when i need to sneak back in...i persuade ma to let u go out abit more often...have drinks with me late at night...ur gonna be an alcoholic and its all my fault...=p

At any rate, whatever it is, you're my kid brother, and I love you...Theres nothing i wouldn't do for you, and if you ever need any help, just call me, msg, email...say something k...we're in this together, and if i can't ask you for help...who else can i ask? (apart from aaron and gabs) and vice versa.

So remember this...I am your brother, and i'll always be there for you. Happy birthday. =)

Sometimes, being a brother is even better than being a Superhero-Marc Brown

Understand

Lately a few friends have been having a tough time with results and the lot...and i know exactly how they feel cuz well...mine weren't too crash hot either. And the disappointment of failure...of not living up to ones *own* expectation...that is the most painful of all. So i thought I'd share some literature my father shared with me, that helped pick me up through my tough times...

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they
had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.

He told them, “You cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up”

“If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, the fulfillment of your fall .”

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

Don't judge life by one difficult season.

Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come sooner or later.

Experience is the best teacher...but the most costly and painful. It is only through adversity that we come out stronger...for truly, without tasting bitterness how can one appreciate success?

My father always says that, “Success is never-ending...defeat never final....We may not come in at first place, but if we give up at the first hurdle, we take away all the chances we have of coming in 2^nd or 3^rd.”

In life, theres no such thing as a free lunch...you gotta work hard for your success. But sometimes, shit happens...and you don't get what u deserve. Lifes like that...its not fair and hardly a bed of roses. Its just that when the going gets tough, you just gotta grit your teeth and trudge through and you'll be a better person for it.

To all those who have suffered failure, or are going through tough times, my thoughts are with all of you, and i hope u manage to pull through whole and strong as i managed to. It'll hurt...but you'll come out a better person for the experience. Take Care all...God bless...=)

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

- Unknown -

Absolute insanity...

Just quickly...a thank you to those who've read my "tribute" posts and said its touched them...Its great to know that somehow u strike a chord with someone out there... =) But at any rate, its been quite an emotional time for me and i've just had issues that i've needed to sort out, and just appreciating those who have helped me along the way has been a necessity. =) So i thank all of you.

Anyway...to less emo-like stuff and more insanity...updates on college life. For the uninitiated, i live at a residential college at Sydney Uni...which is roughly the equivalent of a fraternity you see in movies all the time, only with girls thrown into the mix...hey...i'm not complaining...=p

Now...it never snows in Sydney...ever. It *does* however fecking *HAIL!* !&*(#^$. So there i was, like every other normal boy, playing footie in the rain (its more fun with all that mud =p) thinking...gee this is getting good...when all of a sudden i feel something crack me on the head. Thinking i was being either divebombed by pigeons with a serious need for fibre or the sideline were just trying to annoy me, i turned 360 and eyeballed every living thing in the vincinity... I was just concluding that it *had* to be Gilbert throwing this junk at me, when suddenly i get pelted with alot more of the stuff...and i'm looking right at the alleged perpetrator. Naturally i look up...and just as i do it starts hailing with a vengeance...*hailing*! I've never seen snow, but i've been the victim of hail....sheesh...

If u wanna know what the hail was like...it was of a comparative size to solero shots...only free from the sky...tasteless (you gotta try eating at least one...they're hard though =p)...and quite annoying if it keeps hitting you. At first i was thinking...this is cool...now at least i can say i've played in icey conditions... They then sorta progressed to the size of golf balls...now when golf ball sized chunks of ice come raining down from the sky, its clearly a message to abandon game.

Now heres the joke...as i run in, four girls, Kristy, Andie, Alex and Wingy are all shaking open umbrella's by the door. This is a rough version of events...

Jules: "hey girls...just got in didja?"
Kristy: "Nope...we're going out."
Jules: "???! You do know that its *hailing* outside right? as in...ice...pain...bad."
Andie: "We're going shopping..." ( I *swear* that was *exactly* what she said)
Jules: "WTF!?! *Shopping*?! Are you *insane* woman! Its HAILING outside!"
Andie: "Well, we said we'd go shopping this afternoon...so we are...a little bit of hail isn't going to stop us."
Jules: *Sputters* "Little bit of hail?! Thye are massive those things are like armageddon in ice form!"
Kristy: "We've got umbrellas..." (thats what she said...like its some solution)
Jules: "Women"*smacks head*

Just goes to show...come rain, shine or even *hail* nothing stops women from shopping...absolutely nothing...

***Note:Pictures will be up once i find my cable to transfer pics***
Kristy running through the carpark...

Andie and the others following after...

Hail...bloody hail *everywhere* and the women still off to shop. shopaholics...

Now last semester, one of the lads Chris was suffering from severe tension..."exam stress" apparently. so his means of releasing tension...sex with his girlfriend. Which means he has to romanticize her a lil bit through the night...ply her with abit of alcohol (how else is she actually going to realize what she's doing =p) and bring her home...

So he gives Jonesy his room keys to safekeep (why i have no idea)....big mistake...before you know it, us lads know all about his devious plan and are naturally thinking up an evil evil cock-block. (Chris is a deviant...women out there u'll thank us one day)

So what do we do? Naturally we attack the soft spot...his room. No room...no happy happy...=p Being innovative, we decide to...urm....redecorate...albeit in a rather spartan manner. Basically we just move his room. Across the building...to the grotto...where confessions are usually held. (Its a catholic college, complete with chapel and resident priest)
What makes this quite funny is the fact that we rearranged his room *exactly* how it would have been. everything was in its "correct" place...only in a different location...BWAHAAHAH. Don't shoot me disapproving stares...there were about 12 of us =p . We even took the trouble to plug in his fan and his fridge...see...we're actually quite thoughtful...;)

So Chris sends Jonesy a msg to meet him in 5 minutes outside, cuz apparently the lady in question is ready and willing...alcohol in effect, i know not. So we all snigger, and hide around his room, waiting for the magical moment. In effect, theres nothing left in his room...*NOTHING* we moved his cupboard....dressing table...bed, sofa,....clothes...we did leave him the walls though...and the light. =p

So naturally he comes home...opens the door...and is greeted by an empty room except for a whiteboard that reads..."If you want to have pre-marital sex...you must go to confession" (see...we gave him a hint =p) He's not amused...she's horny...and his first words are...."FUCK!" All of us burst out laughing...and u hear him say..."YOU BASTARDS!" We all scatter...and he comes out of the room steaming pissed....

Suffice to say his night was ruined...or not...Chris, never one to be defeated by the odds steals Jonesys car keys and does the deed in Jonesy's back seat...Jonesy wasn't amused either....apparently cleaning a stained car seat is nigh-impossible. Took Chris the whole of the morning to reshift his room...i know...we're bastards...but hey...all in a good nights fun...;)

I'm off to have some hard earned fun...we won our soccer tournament =D...tales on roo court and VD (Victory dinner la, get ur minds out of the gutter =p) soon.

And finally...to brothers...=)

Posts have been morbid lately...sounds like i'm saying goodbye to everyone no? =p No worries...i intend on sticking around for alot longer...=) Just been adressing issues la...sometimes i also got to emo wat...almost like going down memory lane...now that everyones leaving overseas and everything...seemed about right. Seems like just yesterday i was in kindergarten...which brings me to the topic. Two of the bestPosts have been morbid lately...sounds like i'm saying goodbye to everyone no?=p No worries...i intend on sticking around for alot longer...=) Just been adressing issues friends a bloke could wish for ...Aaron and Gabriel.

kindy-
Top right: Me
2nd row l-r: Gabs, Aaron



l-r: Aaron, Gabriel, Derek (another friend) and Me =) - std2
I've known Aaron for...17 years, Gabs for 15...and i'm 19. Lol! That means i've known the blokes longer than i've had my younger brother around. Living just around the corner from aaron, we hung out alot. We played football together, and we've had so many good times man. In kindergarten where we'd just run around and have a general fun time...then to primary school, where every year got one story la...run away from home la...the brothers club la...std3 which although was a shitty year, you gotta admit that looking back, it was a fun time =p...Going to church together...lorong...just hanging out, you lot puffing away while i complain. All the church camps. Then primary school ended, Aaron went CHS, I went to MCKL (and later Sydney), Gabs went to DJ...and we sorta grew apart for abit....but you know what they say about true friends...no matter how long they spend apart, the minute we get back together...its as if there was never a gap.



And thats what makes you two blokes special in my life. No matter how much time we never meet up...when we do, we just chill with one another like its the most natural thing in the world. You two boys are more than just my best friends man...you're my brothers. You give me the advice i need and listen to my troubles...theres not many people in the world i open up to...i prefer to sort out my issues on my own. But with you two...i know i can trust to give me solid advice and look out for my best interests. We've always been there for each other backing each other up through thick and thin. When one of us has a problem, it becomes all three of our problems...we're a collective, and it takes years of friendship to reach the kind of level we're at. And to any of you out there who've got a friendship as staunch as ours...treasure it, cuz theres nothing like it that will ever come along again.

std6
Top left: Me
2nd row right: Aaron
Bottom row right: Gabs


Aaron, you taught me how to be more independant. In many ways, i have you to thank for teaching me about the other side of life. If not for you, i'd be the most protected kid this side of the hemisphere...u know rite...my mum paranoid to the max. =p But whenever i say, "going out with aaron only la!" then she'll chill...one advantage of being such good mates eh...=) Ur one of the most street smart people i know, you always find your way around any obstacles using the most sensible path and u have a practicality about you that i have tried to learn. Unfortunately i've always been too impulsive la...get myself into hot soup...and then need you to come and gimme advice or bail me out =p. You kept my love for sport going...even when i thought i could never do it, you'd always ask me out to have a kick around at your house, or at the park...And you always gave me a chance to play no matter what, even if i was horrible...and you wouldn't laugh...For which i am eternally grateful. So i have you to thank for being sports mad nowadays...=p Man...i still think about those times we'd run to school early just to hop over to federal or the newsagents around the back behind the padang...and do the sneaky things that little kids do. =p I remember the bat we found by our meeting place near the tree in Std 2. And now that we're older, we go where the wind takes us....the wind being ur volvo/legend/whatever la...=p All the time we spend just chilling and talking about our lives. Our futsal sessions together....i swear that futsal runs ur life...and by extension mine la, cuz who else do i hang out with rite....=p

Gabs, you've always been the more quiet one of the three of us, but always la ur there for me. U've always got good advice to give, and ur the most hardworking of us all. From you i learnt strong work ethic...man of principles ok! =p And from all ur controversies i also learnt alot of things...but thats a story for another day. ;) Sure me and aaron always tease you, but when push comes to shove, we've always got your back...just like you always are there looking out for us. You've always been straightforward and tell me the most logical solution to any problem. You keep my idealistic self strongly rooted onto the ground with ur sense of realism and always tell me that the world is no bed of roses. From you i learnt that a slight cynicism is an integral part of an individuals personality that cannot be overlooked. And more importantly, you're always there to listen. We don't live as close, thus don't chill out so much. But i appreciate all the treks you make out from taman Megah just to go yumcha together...and hangout. Remember our prefect years man? We ran havoc in primary school...and you were one fierce SOB...the way you sound those smaller fellers...i also scared man. =p You've got a noble streak about you that occasionally others exploit, but it makes you who you are my friend...never change that. From you i garner nobility, ethics, hardwork, priorities and initiative...not much la...but its a work in progress...=p

Words truely are inadequate to express the level of friendship that we share. You guys know me so well...and vice versa. On some weird level we're almost like the three musketeers...one fat one...one skinny one...and one angry one (Gabs...your the angry one =p). The moments we've had together...the laughter we've shared...the insane, insane times together. From late night parties...to sleepovers (where Gabriel will kena harley kau kau =p) To Aarons apartment...tanni sessions...everything la. Three lads of completely different character all growing up together and accepting each others nonsense...learning and teaching one another...now thats true friendship. To all the memories you've given me...the way you two have always been a constant presence in my life and development of my person. I thank you two. Words ...cannot express what i'm trying to convey...how exactly do you describe 17 years of friendship? Its almost impossible...so of course, in true fashion, i'm going to try to do it la...=p Just a small bit of plagiarism here...but its based on the things we do together la.

*Cue Orchestral music*

Meal at the mamak: RM5 (Plus gabriels share RM 8) =p
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Meal at A&W: RM15 (with whatever extra fries that aaron consumes RM20)+sounding from parents for coming home late
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Tanni Session at apartment/wherever: One Bottle of Swing (which *some* ppl...no names *cough*gabs*cough*...will spew up...its the food la..the food =p)
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17 years of insane friendship and counting: Worth all the scolding...the money...the time ...Bloody priceless. =)

Thanks boys...you two are lads to walk the mountains with. Thanks for everything...

and now; l-r: Aaron, Me, Gabs (They don't always look this stoned...or red...they'd just been drinking =p)

~All for one and one for all
My brothers and my friends
What fun we've had
The time we've shared
Brothers 'til the end.~

To Those Gone...

Third of the four tributes i will post up. This ones a little trip down memory lane...bittersweet yet unavoidable....

To my brother...Jason Lam. I remember you...wielding your little lightsaber...which i fought you for. Your monkey grin. I knew you. People say i was never old enough to know you. But noone told me about you...as far back as i can remember...i always felt this cut in my soul that you were torn from me when i was so young. I remember you always outwardly saying u couldn't stand me...but when everyone was away or asleep...you gave me that lightsaber. And i will never forget that. Ever. I used to cry in bed at night, wondering why u left me...and when i was old enough to understand that the cemetary i visited every weekend with dad was yours, i knew why. I haven't been to ur cemetary in awhile kor...but everytime i go there, something lances through my heart...so sharp and painful...the pain of loss...and the sorrow of absence. Sometimes i wonder...what if i wasn't eldest by default...what if i didn't need to be an example for anyone? What if i had someone to give me an example? Would i be a bigger maniac? =p Or would i be more responsible. All the what ifs...but what if...what if you didn't get hit by a bus....would life have been different? All i know is...I miss you....

Gong Gong...Anthony Lim...Old man, you have no idea how much i loved you...and still love you. When you moved up to ss2 from Seremban i was the happiest young boy this side of the planet. The times you tapau-ed for me my favourite "ngau lum fun" all the way up from seremban. The time you spent teaching me mathematics...although i imagine ur *spinning* in your grave when u hear i hate numbers =p The fact that u were always so proud of anything i did. Even when i came *5th* in class...you still made a little medal for me with ur own 2 old hands...you showed me by example is meant to be unconditional...that you would always be proud of me no matter what. You encouraged me...and you gave me confidence...helped me to believe in myself. Through ur occasional taunts, you taught me how to bear pressure, and to accept the jeers of others, because this world is not all rosy.

The way you let me feed your fishes in the aquarium...catch them with a net...and put them back. Staying all alone with you in Seremban and hearing you snore like a jet taking off. You waking me up at 5 in the morning for roti canai and teh tarik at the local mamak. The old Seremban theatre...where we'd watch chinese kungfu movies together. You gave me so much from your hands and your mind and just by being there for me. You taught me passion, gave me love. Helped me to see that a happy life is a good life. Gave me the mantra "everyday in everyway I am getting better and better." Gave me the power of positive thinking. The chillout sessions we had at botanical gardens just sitting on the grass...feeding birds, looking at the lake...talking...I still do that myself to this day. The list is endless and inexhaustive...But most importantly, you put a smile on a small boys face all the time.

But the one time we fought...i never said sorry...and you wouldn't back down. And you said to dad that this trip to Australia would be your last...you were adamant about it. I dismissed it as ur usual occasional morbid prophecy...only as u left, you said that we would never forget you. I never did. On Febuary 28th...Dads birthday, you passed on. And i never said sorry. I still remember the last telephone call home you made. And i spoke to Hui Xian, and she said, "Julian, the next time we come back, don't blame us if we hate you, cuz gong gong keeps saying how great you are at everything." And that lit a flame in me...to know that this one old man had so much faith in me and my abilities even though i was only 11 years old. I knew u forgave me, and loved me . I remember talking to you...and at the end of the conversation i said "i love you gong..." trailing off...and the words "i'm sorry" stayed stuck in my throat...they never came out. And I knew exactly when you died. Because i know you said goodbye to me. And i heard you...and i'll always regret never telling you i'm sorry...But i'd like to think you knew it. I got your message gong gong. I was the saddest boy in the world that day u left...but also happy because i *know* without a sliver of doubt that you are in a better place...in paradise. With all the smoke salmon in the world you could eat and more. =) Look down on me and watch me fly gong gong...because the wings you gave me are finally beginning to spread...=)