The Wise Man's Fear

Secrets of the heart are private and painful. We want nothing more than to hide them from the world. They do not swell and press against the mouth. They live in the heart, and the longer they are kept, the heavier they become.

We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.

Another year ends

Another year draws to a close. This one has been blighted by a long time in limbo. A long time just running around doing nothing. But at least on the bright side things are drawing to a close. And there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm now a teacher. I wonder what all my educators would say if they knew that the little terrorist they used to teach is now in their shoes. I don't think any of them would believe me anyway. Lol! On the other hand, its been 5 years since I've left school. Maybe I should go back...just to say hello.

Physically its been a year blighted by injury and compounded by my hard headed inability to let my body rest when its down for the count. I'd like to say its because I'm resilient and determined. The reality is its probably because I'm too stubborn for my own good. That being said, I'm on the road to recovery. It can't get worse essentially. So hey - time to get abck in the ring I reckon.

Sometimes I'm more and more stressed out. I never used to understand why dad would come home and just sit by himself with his eyes closed doing nothing. But now I know. Work is great. But some days, you just want to lie back and do nothing.

I will say this for the record. It would be better if I exercised as much patience for my family as I do for my students and friends. After all...its family first.

Work hard, play hard. Train harder.

Gnite.

Selfish

"Selfish". Now there's one of those things which I just don't understand. Everyone always looks out for themselves. It is the rare individual that is able to look beyond himself, out onto the bigger picture and for the greater good.

To get ahead sometimes you just have to be selfish. That's one of the innumerable truths of life. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first. So why does everyone say being selfish is a bad thing? If being selfish occasionally is a necessity for progress why is it always portrayed negatively? I guess its a timing thing. Theres a time and place to be selfish - and a time and place to be selfless. Another question of choices i suppose.

There are times when even people of the highest integrity and moral disposition have to make questionable calls. Its just part of life. Holding it against them is something you could do. But in the neverending quest for betterment some difficult decisions have to be made. Which is more important Justice or Compassion? Does the end justify the means or is the journey more important than the destination? Is it more important to conduct oneself with integrity at all times at the expense of progress or the betterment of oneself?

Some people can actually live with making reprehensible decisions. Its called being utilitarian. My brother is one of them. Mum hates us drinking. But being boys, alcohol is a fairly unavoidable part of growing up. I always tell mum whenever I'm out for a pint. Jon on the other hand says he's going to stay over at a mates' place. The result is that I end up in an argument and Jon gets away with blue murder. Its just one scenario out of a million. Rather than saying what I think my parents want to hear, I say what they need to hear. And Jon says what they want to hear. The result is that my relationship with the is fractious due to an overwhelming honesty. And Jon gets the lions share of whatever he wants because he knows how to "endear" himself to my parents.

Some might call it being two-faced or hypocritical. But to him, the end justifies the means. And therefore "right" is a purely subjective scenario. He's happy to live like this and its a personal choice that he has made. Personally I find it morally reprehensible and I can't sleep at night if I lied to my parents about where I was and what I was doing. But then again thats just me. So if I was to be utilitarian about it, I'm being selfish - because I place the importance of my conscience above the sanity of my parents. At the end of the day, the end justifies the means, and to Jon his relationship with our parents has flourished because of his hypocrisy.

I'm not saying one is right over the other. Its just a different approach to life and how your moral makeup invites one to perceive certain situations. Am I being selfish? To a degree I suppose. Is it a bad thing to adhere to ones principles at the expense of a vast number of other things? Its certainly selfish - but does that make it bad? At the end of the day perspective is what determines right or wrong.

And I love my brother - I would never impose my views and principles on him or anyone else for that matter. We just have different views on life and to each his own.

I write

The leg gets better. Strong rehab follows mental preparation to run again. Its already morning and I still haven't hit the sack - one of the many repercussions to follow the month long malaise known as the World Cup. Its not as easy to kick a sleeping pattern as I was led to believe. Clearly I should sue someone.

I've begun reading heavily again. Apparently philosophy is something I enjoy. Now if only I could have done that at university. Advanced thinking has always been something that has interested me. Not that many would believe me.

I've contemplated going back to university. I wonder what a masters course would do for me. Hmmm. Nonetheless its just a brief flirtation which I have pushed to the back of my mind.

"Club can't handle me." is playing off my speakers at the moment. Its a song which brings a smile to my face everytime the chorus kicks in. I can't explain why, but it just does. I want to dance and run and sing and jump every single time. Maybe its a new song. Maybe its my tendency to fall head over heels for something if I like it. Clearly I'm a sucker for first impressions. But as to why? Who cares. It feels good thats all that matters really.

The suns up. I gotta worry about cooking lunch now. Off to bed. (Maybe after a bowl of cereal)

Good morning.

Optimism

Hope. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment. Somewhat synonymous with optimism. I dwell alot on the most hopeful outcome of situations. Generally that also means I am disappointed a lot of the time. Thankfully skin like a rhino and a 2 second rebound rate also means that I don't take too much of the failures to heart.

This is probably one of the few times ever I'm hoping I don't have to go back to KL. Ah Kong's down with a stroke. Truthfully, the old man is 92, so obviously I've prepared myself for his imminent departure - its something which plays at the back of my mind quite often. But I want to be there if he's about to go. I want to be by his side and see him. Hold his hand and tell him I love him. They say you regret not spending enough time with the people you love until they go. I won't feel guilty in that regard...but I just need to see him.

Just this one time - I'm hoping I won't be disappointed. I don't care if I never go back if that means he will be fine. So...heres to hoping.

22 July - Rehab week 2

I have set myself back 1-2 weeks by my estimation. Which means square 1 essentially. Rehab can be a real bitch. But I'm not giving up because I want - *need*- to be able to move like i used to. The possibility that I will be a lesser athlete is not something I am willing to entertain. I simply refuse to believe it.

I find that most times when I turn to blog is when I'm the most troubled. Or when I'm bereft of ideas. I look to this blog for inspiration and a spark of inventiveness. Something to flare up in my mind that helps me think clearly. Something that calms me down. The stock standard line is that blogging is therapeutic. But the truth is, its something more. Its something to cling on to when all else seems false.

Its a reality that I create, or a place where I can bandy about my musings without fear of reprisal. Really its almost like religion - without meaning to sound blasphemous. I guess thats why some people keep journals or write down their thoughts. Its a comforting procedure, to see your own thoughts in writing. I guess it lets you know that you're in control of some things at least.

These days I get up and cook mostly. Fortunately I haven't been caught up by the masterchef bug. Wayyy too much emotion involved in it. You cook a bad dish, you man up and get sent home. Thats just the way it works. Standing there and crying though seems to be the modus operandi for a precious few. It seems to work though, most of the criers end up staying on - maybe I should cry if I want something...oh wait, already tried that - a quick thrashing from dad sorted that out rather quickly. Either way, its not a good habit to get into.

I've watched movies about relationships between parents and their children. How they become so estranged. And when I was youger I used to think that they were hammed up. Intentionally melodramatised for the audiences benefit. What I find now however, is that alot of the emotion is actually quite real. Most estranged children actually react to their parents like that and vice versa. I used to think it was a satirical representation of how children and parents overreact to one another, but when I think about it - thats essentially what an estrangement is. Its when a parent and child overreact negatively to everything each other do or say.

Sometimes I see myself in those recalcitrant children. I wonder how I find it in myself to put my parents through such pain. Its an eternal conundrum how one can be so hateful and yet at the same time love the same people more than anyone else in the world. Beats me how those conflicting emotions can originate from the same source. The funny thing is I think I'm in trouble once I get kids. Karma has a funny way of biting you in the arse.

Eithe way, its getting late. I have to get to bed. I need dreams. Everyone does. Tommorow is another day. That and I've got to pay my water bill or risk going winter with a frozen pair. Goodnight.

*R.I.P: Hadri Aidnil. The good die young, and you were one of the best. It was an honour to know you. God Bless.

Up

Its three in the morning and I can't sleep. So I've decided to revisit my nocturnal tendencies and blog.

Now I live on the 12th floor of an apartment block. You'd think that 12 floors up, I'd be rid of mosquitoes. But apparently the little critters have a way of laughing in my face and telling me to suck it. Or rather deal with them sucking blood outta me.

Which has led me to try to figure out how the hell they get up so high. I didn't think mosquitoes could physically power themselves up more than 100 meters vertically. On the other hand, it coulda snuck into the lift and followed me up. Either way, its a moot point because now that they're here I have to kill em before I can get back to sleep. Which brings me to the topic of UP!

I watched a slight bit of the oscars today. There are some questions welling up in me. Like why didn't Avatar win? Its almost poetic justice for me, considering I was just waxing lyrical about how the Underdog is just not appreciated enough. Heres a film that only made 20 million at the box office - a relative failure in comparison to James Cameron's blockbuster. But somehow I think the Academy played on the romance of the whole David vs Goliath scenario and voted in The Hurt Locker. Not that it isn't a great movie mind you! I haven't watched it yet, but I've seen clips and previews and it looks good. But if I were an Academy voter, I'd definitely be slightly swayed by the whole dichotomy of "little indie label film" up against the magic machine that spawned the N'avi race.

My favourite part though has got to be "Up" winning best animated film and best original score. I'll admit initially I was in no way interested in the movie - after awhile all of Pixar's cookie cutter heartwrenching animations were taking their toll on me. But I finally caved in and went to watch it. Possibly the best decision of 2009. As much as I claim to be a cynic, I reckon on some level theres a romantic in all of us. I mean - how could you not watch that show and feel the slightest twinge of emotion. I reckon Hitler coulda watched that movie and teared.

To me it was -or rather is- the perfect movie. It had everything. Romance, Dreams, Drama, Issues, Resolution, Redemption, Vindication. It was perfect - all the appropriate subtle addressing of real world issues ensconced within an animated film that was not as predictably mushy as expected but displayed a depth of complexity that really really blew me away . My film for the year in 2009. As much as I pan pixar for constantly preying on the softer underbelly of my emotionally inclined peers and churning out gut-wrenching (ocassionally vomit inducing) film after film, I have to admit they really hit all the right buttons with this one. And for once I'm actually happy to say I was wrong and that it was a great great film. I was gunning for Up to win the Best Picture award - and while it didn't, I thought had it done so, it would have been real deserving.

On that note, I think I'm off to execute some more insect life so I can get some much needed snooze. Gnite.


"Never once in my life did my parents say, 'What you're doing is a waste of time.' ... I know there are kids out there that don't have that support system. So if you're out there and you're listening, listen to me: You want to be creative? Get out there and do it, it's not a waste of time." — Michael Giacchino, after winning the award for best original score.